Can men and women be just friends?
Hmm… I know that’s a loaded question. But it’s one that single adults have asked for years. It’s an especially important concept for Christian singles to prayerfully ponder.
Personally, I have a couple strong inter-gender friendships. We know that iron sharpens iron (i.e., strong believers help each other learn and grow naturally and spiritually more mature). I learn so much from my friends—both male and female. Both groups help me to gain a greater understanding of God, this world system, people, and myself. They make me better and help me to survive. My female friends—including my mother and sisters—have lots to share about what they know. But just like a boy needs a father figure to help him understand what it means to be a man, I think a woman needs a man to get a well-rounded education about the nature of men.
Women can give each other excellent advice from experience—and that is so important! This is where our moms, sisters, girlfriends, First Ladies, the church mothers, mentors, etc., come in. But for me, it’s really been my inter-gender relationships (with men like my dad, my pastor, my cousins, my best friend’s husband, and my other male friends) that have helped me to see into the mind of men, so that I have a better understanding of who they are and how they perceive women (me). I also learn more about how to interact with them. And we must interact: at home, at work, at church, at cookouts, at birthday parties, at conferences, you name it!
Let me be the first to say that this is an ongoing education process. Over the years, I have learned a lot from my male friends and, as I do with any new information I obtain, I have taken it to the Lord in prayer. It’s been quite a journey! I am learning something new every day and applying it to make me a better person and, hopefully, a better wife and mother someday.
As believers, the main goal in any relationship that we have should be to honor God. The Bible tells us that we should shun the very appearance of sin. So we ought to carefully consider our male-female relationships (and all others) to make sure that we are in God’s will.
Today, I read an article from an online newsletter that targets Christian singles. Through individual testimonies, it provides some very interesting thoughts to chew on and a few nuggets of wisdom. Please check it out below and let me know what you think.
Being a Christian on God’s terms is serious business. Let’s strive to honor Him in all that we do. Be blessed!
Firmly In His Grip,
Genikwa
The Joy of “Just Friends”
5 singles share the delicate art of male-female friendship.
July 2, 2008
A Messy Blessing
For six years, Dennis and I have been best friends. Our relationship isn’t at all romantic—a fact most people don’t understand. We’ve had to set aside society’s assumptions that we’re a couple and just live out our God-given friendship. While I treasure our friendship, it’s also one of my most difficult relationships ever.
Inter-gender friendships certainly aren’t for everyone. I know several women who tried such friendships, and they usually ended when one person developed romantic feelings and the other person still desired non-romantic friendship. The relationship won’t work if God hasn’t designed it.
Dennis and I have striven to accept our differences while learning from one another. We’ve also set spiritual and physical boundaries. Even with these efforts, we’ve had to decide several times if we could continue working and growing together as friends. Through those situations, I learned how to communicate my feelings, and he learned how to listen and try to understand my view. Because I’ve discovered so much about men through my friendship with Dennis, I’ll be a good wife one day.
To those pursuing an inter-gender friendship, I suggest determining true motives and sincerely seeking God. Both parties must have a strong sense of their identities in Christ, and the will to live by God’s guidelines.
-Michelle
Clear Boundaries
I’m a single Christian man who shares a house with a single Christian woman. The first question everyone asks is “Are you a couple?” The answer, of course, is “No.” Despite many people’s skepticism, sharing a house as friends and nothing more is absolutely possible.
To do so, my housemate and I set clear boundaries. We made a friendship pact and asked others to keep us accountable. In it, we spelled out our relationship status to one another and those close to us. We outlined what actions (such as hugging) we consider friendly, and what ones we reserve for romantic relationships. We also discussed the wide variety of appropriate conversation topics for good male-female friends, and determined what subjects are simply off limits.
When in doubt about anything, we ask questions until we’re both clear on the answers. Most important, we place Christ at the center of our friendship to keep it strong and true.
-Andrew
Mutually Beneficial
Throughout the past decade, I shied away from other-gender friendships because women friends often treated me like one of the girls. Last year, however, I began an inter-gender friendship that’s exactly what the woman and I both currently need. Officially we’re “just friends,” but, because she has more responsibilities than I do at work and church, I take care of everything when we go out together every two or three months. Her only job is to show up. That arrangement allows me to “play the man,” an opportunity I desperately need.
Despite those defined roles, I initially told her I didn’t want a strictly defined friendship, because I believe when a woman defines a relationship with a man, she defines him as well. At first she didn’t understand. But, within the past few months, our relationship has found its groove. Though I’ve occasionally given her flowers and gifts, and though we have the mutual respect and commitment to take the relationship further, neither of us believes we will, since we’re almost complete opposites. Instead, we’re committed to like and bring out the best in each other—as friends.
-Rick
Invaluable Insights
Some of my best friends are guys. As a single parent, I especially cherish the wonderful male friends who babysit my kids, help with my home projects, and even landscape my yard. While I recognize the potential for romantic feelings developing—probably the biggest hurdle to inter-gender friendships—I wouldn’t trade these guys’ friendship or expertise for anything.
My best guy friend is the person I call when I don’t quite understand the man I’m dating. My friend’s insight is invaluable! And when my son unexpectedly passed away several years ago, this same friend immediately came to my house, sat down beside me, took my youngest daughter in his lap, and held my hand. That one act cemented our friendship forever.
-Christy
Nothing but the Truth
Not only are successful male-female friendships possible, they can be nurturing during difficult times. When you’re wounded from a romantic relationship, nothing is more healing than encouragement from the opposite sex. Such friends also can give helpful, loving insight on how to act in particular romantic situations.
But you must always base male-female friendships on truth. Often, men don’t say what they mean, and women misinterpret what men do—or don’t—say. As a singles leader, I’ve seen the most heartache over miscommunication in male-female friendships. Falling for your best friend can be the beginning—or end—of something beautiful. If you start to have feelings for your best friend, don’t just wonder about his/her feelings. Ask. The longer you entertain those feelings, the more you’ll hurt if you discover no reciprocation.
For many years, I had a best friend who happened to be male. We went to movies and dinner, rode bikes, and worked together in ministry. At one point, I wondered if our relationship was going beyond friendship. After all, his kids and my kids thought we were dating. So I called him and asked. He was as straight with me as I’d been with him; he told me he was attracted to me only as a friend. I felt hurt, but also relieved I hadn’t romanticized our friendship. Because of our honesty, our friendship became even stronger. Last year we both got married; he found a wonderful woman, and I married an incredible, loving man. He’s now my best friend.
-Kirsten
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